my love janessa <3
last nights kickbackk #turnup
You know, it’s so funny when people try and pin-point what is right and what is wrong. As if we even know how things really work and how things should be. When there is no specific guidelines to how we should behave, what we should feel, how we should look, act, and smell. There is none of that, no where. Life is life and we go through things, experiences. We learn and then we un-learn things. In through one ear, out of the other. And I am no stranger to being guilty of such a thing. So when you tell me, all the things I’ve done wrong, all those hours you spent ridiculing me, calling me a bitch, the worst girlfriend ever… you have no idea how low you are sinking to my level. I was horrible to you. But I have apologized numerous times. I am aware of what I’ve done but I am also aware of how shallow you have become. Just because you have been through tough things, and have been the subject of my projection of inner-hatred, this does not give you the right to turn your back on me as if I have never loved you. You know damn well that she does not love you like I did. When you were crutch-less you found her, you’ve leaned on her, you charmed her with your malleability, and now you are whipped. She can use you however you want, so you must feel perfect because she will never point out your flaws and if she does, she must make you change them. And you like it. Because she’s cool. Now you can be cool for once. But how dare you, try and forget me. I loved you. And who says love has to be perfect? We had our flaws. But you know why we kept coming back to each other? After countless arguments, restless nights, stupid drama? Because we LOVED each other. Because we knew that in the inner corners of our dark times, we found light in each other. Dysfunctional. But it was ours. And I can clearly say that you are just too pretentious to take a break, look back and see, that there is no certain way to love. I tried for you, I fought for you, and the only reason I haven’t said something to you for the last 4 months is because I am trying to respect you. But you need a wake up call. Because she will NEVER… ever love you the way you deserve to be loved. And that I can’t bear to see you two together. You think you’ve figured it all out? You haven’t. You don’t have to love me. But know that if you did, I’d make up for everything that happened. Everything. So keep trying. Keep telling yourself that breaking us off was the “right” thing to do. Because you’ve learned love has to bloom a certain way. When really, we were just a work in progress, and we could have reached the end together.
i have dreamed of you every night for almost three weeks. sometimes you’re just in the background, sometimes i am lunging to claw your eyes out. but the ones i hate waking up from are the ones where you hug me and everything is the way i’ve always wanted it to be.
So, one day during dinner I decided to film my family during a normal evening. The results are kind of funny, my sister is a little crazy, my brother likes to make a lot of noise, my dad is interested in Yahoo News, and my mom, (like always) is nowhere to be seen. Gosh I love my family. Bwahahaha.
me and my sisterlooo
What kind of books do you love most?
I love books that make me think. Doesn’t matter what genre it is, as long as my mind is being shaped and messed with, and leaves me with a bit of new perspective. I like to feel things when I read.
Have you ever met someone who changed or affected who you are?
Yes, I have. But it isn’t just one person; it is multiple people who I have met throughout my whole life. Because different people bring out the different parts of me and help me to learn about myself. And so far, I’ve met so many people and have been through so many different situations, that I realize that I am who I am and people change, so I can never expect so much from myself, and I should just ‘Be.’
What is the most important thing to you at the moment?
Probably, just getting through high school. And then, of course meeting you. Both of those together would make me cry. With happiness of course.
Do you aim to please others before you worry of yourself?
I try to balance things out. I like to keep my feelings in perspective, and create a compromise with people. Because I know that if I do not love myself, how can I love anyone else? I have given my all to people before and it creates some very interesting circumstances. But, deep down, I do care for everyone that matters to me. And I simply want the best for those I love.
How many close friends do you have?
About 3 or 4. Kailee, Chloe, Marc, Janessa and you. And if I have missed anyone else, sorry!
Light or dark?
Same as you, pretty much. But I do lean more towards the night. I love the cities at night. And I love stars. Something about the evening makes me feel so infinite and small. Which is so comforting, knowing my limits and seeing that life is so precious.
What worries you most about the future?
I’ve learned that the only thing about my future that I should worry about, is not being happy with where and who I am, no matter where life takes me.
Are you holding onto something that you need to let go of?
Yes, I guess so. I sometimes get these relapses and think about close friends I have lost. It is sad and frustrating sometimes, but then I realize that this is life, and there is more to come. I can move on, and it is okay.
How many of your friends would you trust with your life?
One, I think. But I can’t even really say.
What have you done that you are not proud of?
Treated someone I loved very much like complete shit. Because I was afraid of being wrong and called out. I hurt them very badly. And I have apologized many times, but I have learned that not all people want to be helped, and I can’t always control everything.